I Don't Get It

(Disclaimer: I'm keeping this post ambiguous and free of emotional outburst. I don't exactly know how things are going to work out, so I don't want to inadvertently hurt any one's feelings.)

Last night was really weird. I bowed out of something that I didn't want to do, but I did it at the last minute. That's just how I am... I decide on stuff at the last minute.

Once it was over, we had a talk.

I asked if it was anything bad. The answer was no... but it was a lie. No amount of joking around was going to make me feel any better about it.

Then the conversation bordered on the kind I've had time and time again. It seemed those tell-tale cliches were going to be uttered.

The only thing that could be understood about what was talked about was the confusion of it all. It's now some sort of middle ground where neither of us know exactly what's happening. Apparently somebody understands, but I certainly don't.

When it was over, I felt a wave of emotions. Not enough to knock me on my ass, but also too little to make me brush it off.

So far, I'm going through a mutated version of the Kubler-Ross model.

Before they left, we made a deal to keep going. The Bargain was accepted. After thinking about it, however, it didn't make me feel any better.

Going to sleep was a pretty grim experience. My mind was racing. The prevalent emotion at his point was anger. Why wasn't a decision made?

This morning's prevalent feeling is depression. There's this dead feeling in the pit of my stomach... but I don't know why.

Well, actually, I DO know why.

This isn't going to last.

"You know when you know... you know?"

No, I don't know. I don't understand. And I probably won't understand until there is a definite answer.

What I do know is... I just don't want to be confused any more.