Depression

Earlier this evening, I cried.

It wasn't one of those "chick flick" cries where you sob for two minutes and then go watch Family Guy and make it all better. No, this was a serious cry. A cry where you don't even care if anyone knows your crying. A cry that takes every bad thing you can think of and dumps it directly onto your face in the form of tears, snot, heavy breathing, and drool. A cry that you've been holding back for days, weeks, or even months. A cry that just flattens you and puts you down for the count.

That was the kind of cry I had earlier.

Why was I crying? Well, the short answer is that I'm scared. Scared of lots of things. Love, death, my future, college, judgement... basically an overwhelming sense that my life is spiralling out of my control and I don't have the strength to fix it.

I don't know what to do. If you were to ask me yesterday how my life was, I would've given an upbeat response about, "It's going good. School sucks, but I'll live."

After tonight's bawlfest, I find that answer to be some straight-up bullshit. Things aren't going good. School really sucks more than I can describe. I'm lonely. I'm a lazy asshole. I'm freightened that I will have done NOTHING with my life that will be worth a good god damn.

What makes things even worse is that I don't have anyone special to be strong for. Nobody to turn my life around for and put on a brave face and clean up my act. But mostly, I don't have anyone special to talk to. Nobody to just hold me in thier arms and listen to my problems.

I see my friends everyday and I get jealous. Jealous because they all have that someone.

I'm so scared that I'll never find that person. That I'll always strike out with every girl I kinda like because I'll end up not being the one for them.

Oh yeah, and the two most recent girls on that list each found their god damned soulmate. Makes me feel like a fuckin' loaner vehicle at a third-rate used car lot.

Plus, I keep realizing I'm getting old. 22 may not seem old, but everyone I tend to meet is about 3 years younger than me. So now I keep realizing that I got a late god damned start and am playing catch-up.

I feel so helpless. Nobody will be able to say the right thing. Nobody will be able to fix the problems I have.

Nobody but me that is. And I really don't feel like fixing jack shit right now.

It's like the world decided to tear down a wall and pile all the rubble on top of me. This overwhelming feeling of claustrophobia and anxiety just keeps creeping in and I don't have the power to dig myself out from underneath. The foreman can't hear my yelps and just keeps piling more and more stuff on my head.

I don't know what to do. I have so much to do this week that I don't have time for a "let's fix my self-esteem" day. Even though my life is going down the shitter, the world won't give a rat's ass if I'm feeling blue. My teachers wont care. They'll just say, "Boo hoo, where's your fucking project?"

That's just another reason to be scared. When I graduate, if you want someone to care, you better be in a relationship or be willing to pay some shrink thousands to dollars to try and listen to your problems and give you advice. Well, at the rate I'm headed, I won't have a lady or the money to buy a shoulder to cry on.

Then, after my earlier crying party, I get some more terrible news. Since I promised I won't say anything, we'll leave it anonymous. But, after hearing it, it made my shit seem so selfish and unimportant that I got even MORE depressed.

The kicker is that I always flash back to the one person who I wish could help. But we fucked it all up. She said it was partly her fault. I don't believe that. If I had been a better boyfriend then we may have stayed together. Now I can't say anything because I'm not strong enough. I don't deserve someone as great as her. She'd probably disagree with me but I know in my heart that she deserves the greatness that I can't provide. And all of that just adds to the pile of rubble.

So what do I do? People want to give me advice and encouragement, but nothing would sound good enough. I know they all mean well I appreciate their thoughts. This is just something I'll have to go through. Something I want to change but can't right now. I need a sign that says I will get though this and turn things around.

I'm just too scared to face the world right now. I'm too freightened of everything that is expected of me. I don't know what the future holds and it scares the shit our of me. I'm stuck in a huge pit of quicksand and sinking faster and faster.

I need someone to love. Someone to be brave for and break out of the rubble. Someone to climb out of the quicksand for and rescue with a bullwhip and shit.

But she's either gone forever or isn't there.

I'm just so scared...