Valentines Day Massacre

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Let me start off by saying that I HATE VALENTINES DAY!!!!

The sole purpose is to let Hallmark, Flower Shops, Pajama-grams, and the Vermont Teddy Bear Co. the chance to make a shit-ton of money. I, for one, will not be participating in this abomination.

I'm not knocking "love". I'm sure it's a wonderful thing for those couples who have it. Personally, I don't see why V-Day has to do with love anyway. It's a completely contrived "holiday" which isn't even listed as such by the U.S. Government.

So, with this in mind, I decided to look up a bit of the history of V-Day. (By the way, V-Day sounds like I should be invading the shores of some distant land while my entire platoon is destroyed around me by large caliber machine gun fire. I make my way up the beach with nothing but a pocket knife and a mouth full of sand...)

Here's what I found from the Online "Catholic Encyclopedia": The popular customs associated with Saint Valentine's Day undoubtedly had their origin in a conventional belief generally received in England and France during the Middle Ages, that on 14 February, i.e. half way through the second month of the year, the birds began to pair.

...

Valentines Day is when birds hook-up.

This is the day we celebrate the huge bird-orgy that occurs around the world and, for some reason, humans have adopted this as the day we all give each other flowers, candy, folded pieces of red paper, and take ladies out to dinner with the hope of getting laid.

HOW THE HELL DO WE MAKE THAT LEAP?!!!?!!?

The logic simply fails me in this regard.

However, I did find some correlation between V.D. (Valentines Day) and V.D. (Venereal Disease) .

1. Both are easily avoidible.
2. You can share them with just about anyone.
3. Animals were the cause of both at one point or another.
4. I wouldn't enjoy either one no matter how much I want to get laid.

Therefore, I declare the first annual "Boycott V.D. Day". Just remember, don't accept any stupid valentines shit from people AND don't "get busy" without a condom.

(This PSA brought to you by the "Boycott V.D. Day Council of Elders")


Honorable Mentions
---------------------------

Kelly Hoke: Even though it's on V.D., happy birthday!

"You": You're a loser. (haha)

Jake: Prepare for the best B2F article of all time! (But probably not)


I'm gonna fly like an eagle,

~Nate-O