Stunt Double

Hey Beatle Maniacs,

Today was interesting. I actually went to French, I saw Katie which sent me into a spiraling depression for about 5 minutes, I did laundry and the dishes, and I went to the grocery store. I even managed to post pictures from Carrie's Birthday on Facebook... with only a little goading from the birthday girl herself.

After all that, I decided to sit down, make a pizza, and watch some HBO. One of my favorite Jackie Chan movies was on and I got a little into it (at least, those parts that weren't crappy or something better was on and wasn't at commericals).

This got me to thinking... I need a stunt double. I have neither the backbone nor the motivation to continue through life doing all my own stunts. The guy doesn't even have to look a lot like me, he'd only be used when there is zoomed-out shots where all you see is the body getting thrown off a building or doing intense wire-fighting martial arts.

On the other hand, I have never been thrown off a building or encountered a slew of superhuman ninjas. Therefore, my "stunt double" would simply do all the other stuff I don't want/like to do.

-Class: Now, this would only be limited to certain classes that I fucking dispise. Like French for example. So, I'd hire a blond Frenchman with blue eyes to sit in class and get me a solid A.

-Chores: This guy doesn't have to look ANYTHING like me. In fact, it doesn't even have to be a man. Gender here is optional. All he/she would have to do is clean my kitchen, bathroom, and do the dishes. I can take care of the other stuff. I mean... over-cleaning is a severe health hazard and should be left to the professionals.

-Drinking: This isn't to say I don't like drinking, but I'm not always around when people are apt to getting drizunk. Concordantly, I'd hire an Irish dude named Mick to treat my friends to some serious drinking. It'd be fun times a bajillion

-Fighting: Sometimes I just want to kick people in the head. However, in this day and age, that would be considered assault and I'd be arrested. For that reason, I'd get a professional wrestler or former bouncer to act as both my muscle and bodyguard. I'd call him "Number 8" and he'd kick ass according to my will. So don't piss me off, or Number 8 will pull out your vital organs and sell them to Singapore.

-High Speed Driving: There are instances in this life where I simply want to get home in 20 minutes. However, given the current state of speed limits and law enforcement, this is never the case. So, my stunt driver Mario would get me home with the guarantee that we will evade all cops AND be in Indy before my favorite movie comes on Spike TV. (He'd get a bonus if we tip the car on two wheels to evade the mob.)


See, my life would be 80 times more awesome if I had five stunt doubles.

Who would be the stunt coordinator you ask? That's fucking obvious: Patrick Swayze


~Nate-O